Coming Together For Jesus: Semen-Spraying Pastor Knocks Up Six of His Flock

Pastor Derek Ngulube from Zimbabwe — we’ll just call him pastor Lube from now on — has been spreading the love. The Rev. Lube, you see, wasn’t too concerned about following the commandment against coveting thy neighbor’s wife. He decided to concentrate instead on Genesis 1:28, God’s instruction to “be fruitful and multiply.”

And multiply he did. In one year, pastor Lube got six married women in his congregation pregnant, according to this story from Spy Ghana. The shocked church elders decided to expel him.

“What he did is just disgraceful and a person like him could not be allowed to be part of a religious institution because what he did goes against all that Christianity stands for,” said a source.

Contacted for comment, Pastor Ngulube said he was sorry. “I feel bad and I want to say I am very sorry for what I did. If I could be given another chance I wouldn’t repeat the mistake.”

Ministry and Revolting Cocks: a match made in Heaven?

Ministry and Revolting Cocks: a match made in Heaven?

The account of the Rev. Lube’s enthusiastic fornication is my favorite clergyman-related sex story so far this year. It’s almost good enough to dethrone the record holder from last year, the Rev. Robert C. Christian from Spokane, WA.

Remember him? A pastor and sheriff’s chaplain, Christian, wearing a pastel pink and orange skirt, showed up unannounced at the home of a female parishioner. His attire struck the woman as odd, but he explained it by saying he’d lost a bet. I’ll let the local newspaper take it from here.

The woman invited Christian in and he asked to use the bathroom. He emerged from the room after an extended period and sat down at the dining room table for coffee. It was then the woman saw Christian’s erect penis sticking out the front of the button-up skirt, police allege. The victim said her cultural beliefs prevent her from making allegations against people in positions of authority, so she said nothing to Christian.

He was later apprehended anyway after she spilled the beans to a fellow pastor, who then reported Christian to the police. Best line from the story:

Christian’s wife told detectives that she and her husband are “out-of-the-box thinkers” who like to do fun things to get attention for the church.

Mission accomplished.