Miami Jesus Candidate No Match For Voodoo

North Miami elected a new mayor yesterday. Weirdly enough, it wasn’t this woman:


Anna Pierre, a registered nurse who claimed she was being endorsed by Jesus Christ, finished last among the seven candidates with 56 votes, or just 0.83 percent.

“Yes, Jesus endorsed me!” Pierre said during a stop at the Gwen Margolis Community Center Tuesday morning as the polls opened. “I’m not nuts, if I’m a freak and nuts for Jesus, let it be! Let the world know that Jesus is it and when you have Jesus on your side you can go on.”

It appears that Jesus’s magic was no match for the supernatural forces of evil that conspired to keep Nurse Pierre out of the mayoral mansion. You see, last month, Pierre revealed that someone was trying to put a voodoo spell on her.

The voodoo items placed outside her campaign office have included candles, food and dolls with pins stuck in them. Voodoo is practiced by people in Haiti, and around the world, including the U.S.

Voodoo has a spooky reputation, but it is a bona fide religion.

If you say so, NBC. If you say so.

[hat tip: Hemant Mehta]

Amy and Samy and God, a Love Story

Amy and Samy Bouzaglo started their restaurant in Scottsdale, Arizona, for the same reason they got married. “I prayed for him and God sent him to me,” says Amy, the co-owner of Amy’s Baking Company, of her husband. The restaurant is “what God wants me to do,” Amy believes, and where she can delight customers with what she modestly describes as her “God-given culinary talents.”

Except that, god or no god, a lot of those customers don’t actually appreciate Amy’s slop all that much. They are disappointed in the soggy pizza, the store-bought frozen ravioli that the couple tries to pass off as fresh, and the leaky, greasy hamburger patties.

Nor does the clientele love the interminable waits; the prima donna yelling matches between Amy and Samy; the spiteful tone in which the owners habitually address unhappy customers; or the fact that the tips customers give to waitstaff disappear in Amy and Samy’s pockets.

Think I’m being unfair? You ain’t seen nothing yet. Watch how things go from bad to batshit-crazy even before TV chef Gordon Ramsay arrives to try to bring some order to the chaos.

For you incorrigible rubberneckers, part 2 is here.

Not being greatly into the art of self-reflection, Samy and Amy made matters even worse after Ramsay’s show aired. They used their restaurant’s Facebook page for a torrent of insults and attempts at retaliation, again invoking god’s grand plan. For example:

Amy_s Baking Company Freaks Out Online After Epic Meltdown On Gordon Ramsay_s _Kitchen Nightmares_-1


Amy_s Baking Company Freaks Out Online After Epic Meltdown On Gordon Ramsay_s _Kitchen Nightmares_

Sweet Jesus that poor child.

More of Amy’s and Samy’s god-approved purple prose is here.

So the Creator of the Universe told Amy to go into the food service business? I’d say this is proof that either there is no god, or that he loves a sick joke as much as the next guy.

Churchgoers Steal and Punch Their Way to Peace

A Christian congregation in Kenya came to blows the other day when members couldn’t decide how the church should be run. Unspecified property was destroyed as the two groups fought over control.

One faction of the church had obtained a court order barring the other party from interfering with the running of the church. The order issued by High Court Judge William Ouko ordered the second party to return some of the church property it had seized including a TV set, keyboard, sufurias, plastic seats, and a generator.


The order angered the warring faction who denounced it and claimed they had an order that countered it. “We have an order giving us authority to be in this church and I do not understand how the court issued another contradicting order,” said one of the faithful.

The name of the house of worship: ‘Victorious Gospel.’

[image via source]

Mut’ahfuckers: British Shiite Muslims Love Ultra-Short Marriages; ‘Cold Showers Don’t Work’

For the record, I’m fine with any agreement that two people enter into consensually. That means I have no problem with paid sex (as long as no one’s being coerced).

But I do have a problem with hypocrisy.

If you condemn prostitution as immoral, but then claim that the Qur’an allows you to consummate a series of temporary “marriages” that are set to expire after an hour, a day, or a week, don’t be surprised if people roll their eyes or even call you on your inconsistency. That’s especially so if money changes hands, and usually, that’s exactly what happens. At the start of a Muslim marriage, the groom gives the bride a a kind of dowry, called mahr, which is

a mandatory required amount of money or possessions (usually a combination of the two), paid by the groom to the bride at the time of marriage (nikah), for her exclusive use.


In the case of nikah mut’ah, money is paid, the deal is sealed, and after a pre-set time, neither party owes the other anything — and everyone still gets to excoriate actual whores and feel all virtuous about it.

And so:

A growing number of Shiite Muslims in Britain are turning to Mut’ah (temporary) marriage as a way to balance religious beliefs and modern Western lifestyle, a practice rejected by Sunni scholars as covered prostitution. …

Lasting for a few hours, days, months or years, temporary marriage is particularly popular among Shiite students in Britain.

“Definitely nikah mut’ah is on the rise now due to students becoming more aware about it,” said Omar Farooq Khan, president of the Ahlul Bayt Islamic Society at Bradford University. “Students are educated people so obviously they look around for a solution to their problems from an Islamic perspective. What else are they going to do? They can’t just have a cold shower because it doesn’t work and otherwise they just end up doing the haram thing and having a girlfriend or boyfriend. Many people won’t talk about it though, because it is still a taboo subject.”

Sunni scholars say the practice is haram (forbidden), but Omar Ali Grant, a London convert to Shiite Islam, isn’t bothered. He has had “around 13 temporary marriages” (I guess he lost count). Grant believes that “What Islam is saying is sex has to be between consenting adults who are also responsible.”

“Responsible.” Yeah. As you can guess, nikah mut’ah is frequently a religious cover for sex trafficking. For instance, scores of rich Muslim tourists visit Southern India for a few weeks of nookie by “marrying” local girls whose families are mired in poverty. After the sex vacation, they divorce the girls and fly home to their families, no questions asked.

Is that responsible, too? You never can tell with Holy Books.

‘I Saw Priest Rape My Five-Year-Old Daughter’

A South African mother told a court on Monday that she witnessed a local priest rape her five-year-old daughter. She said that the girl had been playing with the priest’s daughter at his home. When the woman went to pick her up, knocked on the door, and received no answer due to the loud music playing inside, she says she looked through a hole in the door and saw the priest having sex with her child.

“They were on the bed which was about three paces away from the door. He was naked, stark naked. I screamed when I saw what he was doing,” she said.

pedophile priest clergy catholic church sexual abuse scandal hypocrisy wolf in shepard's clothing

The woman told acting judge Thembekile Malusi that she called out to her partner for help and together they forced the door open. She said that Dyubele rushed to get a jacket hanging behind his door and covered the front of his body.

“I rushed to my child and I saw that she was still wearing her jersey and her nightie was pulled up. Her panties, pants and shoes were all off ,” she told the court.

The priest, Zukile Dyubele, says the whole thing is a misunderstanding and that he had only been “sleeping in that bed with both little girls.”

A forensic nurse found that the five-year-old had indeed been penetrated.

Undaunted, Dyubele’s lawyer claims the mother is accusing his client of child rape because of sexual jealousy, and that she must simply feel jilted because the promiscuous priest prefers other women.

[image via Gospel According to Hate]

Wake Up, Abraham!

Via Iranian Atheist/Agnostic Movement.


Here’s another take on the Bible story of Abraham and Isaac, courtesy of That Mitchell and Webb Look, a sketch show by godless Brit comedians David Mitchell and Robert Webb.

Father Knows Best: Priest Who Fathered a Son Was Allowed to Stay and Preach Church Doctrine

A Catholic priest who says one thing and does another. Now I’ve heard everything.

A prominent American priest of the Legion of Christ religious order has decided to leave the priesthood after admitting he fathered a child years ago.


The Legion said Saturday the Rev. Thomas Williams, a moral theologian, author, lecturer and television personality, had asked Pope Francis to be relieved of his celibacy and other priestly obligations. A friend, the Rev. John Connor, wrote in a Legion blog that Williams wanted to care for his son and the mother.

After Williams’ admission, the Legion’s then-superior acknowledged he had known for years about the child, yet allowed Williams to continue teaching and preaching morality.

He could be having kids for religious reasons, of course — perhaps answering the call from a European colleague who says more Catholic babies will stave off the demographic offensive of fast-breeding Muslims.

[image via the New York Daily News]

Christ-Loving Blogger Mom ‘Stabbed Man in the Ear and Slit His Throat’ During Drug Deal

The Kansas City Star describes Clara Jean Rector as “a sweet, small-town mom of three, churchgoer and author of a Christian blog complete with testimonials, prayer requests, and photos of sunsets.”

Ms. Rector’s blog is called Pray Read Live and includes earnest instructions on “How To Live As a Christian.”

Blog advice from Clara Jean Rector

Above: great moral advice from Clara Jean Rector

The blog doesn’t offer any particular wisdom on stalking or murder, as far as I could tell, but those are the charges Rector now faces.

In reverse chronological order:

Late last month, Jerry Sousley, pastor of the Camdenton Bible Baptist Church [in Missouri], contacted the Camden County sheriff’s office, alleging that Clara Rector had been stalking him and sending him messages “regarding inappropriate matters of a sexual nature,” according to court documents.

When Sousley rebuffed her advancements, the messages escalated, some even showing up on the windshield of his car, the court documents allege. Sousley also found a notebook at the church in which Rector had allegedly written an account of a fictitious sexual relationship between her and the preacher.

Woman confesses to Camden County cold case murder - KCTV5

During the stalking investigation, Rector unexpectedly blurted out that she’d butchered a man named Tommy Hope nine years earlier. She was a “person of interest” in the murder case after it became clear that she and Hope had been lovers and that he’d supplied her with drugs. But the detectives couldn’t make their suspicions stick, and the Hope case went cold. Until now.

During recent questioning, Rector said she left her house in the middle of the night of April 24, 2004, to go to Hope’s residence to buy drugs. When he told her he didn’t have any, she grabbed a butcher knife from the kitchen, “jumped on his back and cut his throat,” documents say. “I was high and not thinking,” she told detectives.

On the other hand, she could really wash the fuck out of dirty windows.

“She’s a great mother, a hard worker, and she’s always cleaned my windows and taken care of my garden,” said Gerry Rector, the longtime principal at Camdenton Bible Baptist School.

So there’s that.

Scientology’s Photoshoppers Are At It Again

The Church of Scientology has a famously fractured relationship with the truth. On Saturday, it lived up to its reputation when the Church celebrated the opening of its new home in Portland, Oregon. The modest turnout must have been a sore spot for the Church. But…no sweat! Photoshop to the rescue!

Publicity pictures released by Scientology HQ purported to show thousands of enthusiastic revelers.

“More than 2,500 Scientologists and guests joined city and state dignitaries for the dedication ceremony.”

claims Scientology’s website.

But eye witnesses say the crowd consisted of only 400-750 people — and the photos provided by Scientology are very different from those shared by non-Church members. Judge for yourself (images via Boing Boing):



The Daily Mail agrees that there’s something seriously fishy going on here, and presents additional photos from different angles.

The entire right side of the image contains people who were not actually at the event because in real pictures, you can see there is a line of trees there.

The other side of the crowd is also believed to have been photoshopped and again, other images taken show a line of trees where the official Church of Scientology image seems to have added in more people.

The existence of non-Church-approved photos of the Portland event is not as unremarkable as it might seem. Scientology members tried their best to prevent freelance photographers and filmmakers from getting closer than a few blocks. This eye witness account is pretty chilling.

By the way, Scientologists have been caught doctoring images before. The pseudo-Church, it seems, wasn’t able to get enough attendees for its December 28, 1999 shindig at the Los Angeles Sports Arena, billed as a “millennial celebration of Scientology’s first 50 years.” Afterwards, the Church presented images of the event in which audience members had clearly been digitally cloned. The Photoshop job was so poorly done that one person appeared without a head (the term photochopping had never been so apt!). The Washington Post observed that “in another shot, a bald man who had been replicated magically grew hair.”

Look closely:


More detailed photos of the L.A. photochop atrocity are here. Enjoy.

Pastor In Court On Cat-Chucking Charges

Pastor Rick Bartlett of Bastrop, TX, was charged with animal cruelty in January of last year. In a few hours, he’ll be getting his day in court.

The trial of a Bastrop pastor who has been charged with animal cruelty in the abuse and death of a cat last year is set to begin at 9 a.m. Monday in the Bastrop County Court of Law.

On January 15, 2012, Bartlett trapped Moody, his neighbors’ pet, on his property. He put Moody in a cage in the back of his pickup truck. The reverend later admitted that he left the feline trapped in the cage for two days without giving it food or water.

An animal control officer, contacted by Bartlett, noticed Moody’s collar and name tag; she told the pastor to return the cat its owners.

According to Bastrop Police Detective Sarah Moore, Bartlett told the officer “he would just go home and release the cat in the neighborhood.” Later that evening [the animal control officer] was told about a dead cat that was found underneath the Hwy 150 bridge. It was Moody [photo, in better times]. He had fallen some 50 feet to his death.

moody 03 300x155 Criminal trial for accused cat killer and Bastrop pastor Rick Bartlett nearing

When investigators caught up with Bartlett, he stated that Moody had escaped from the cage and he didn’t know what had happened to him.

Bartlett later confessed that he was “extremely stressed and angry because of personal issues” and he “untied the bungee chord the cage was attached to and opened the door to the cage and drove off with the intention of the cat jumping out of the vehicle while he was driving off.”

Little about that explanation makes sense. Let’s see if the court can tease some truth out of him.

Bartlett is the former pastor for the Bastrop Christian Church. He was let go from the church after his arrest, only to set up a new house of worship in his own home — the Riverside Christian Church.

Bible Copier Copies Everything But Its Meaning

Over the last four years, Phillip Patterson, 63, wrote out every word in the Bible by hand, spending as much as 14 hours a day on the project.

According to the AP, he inked the final two verses of the King James Bible yesterday, said “amen,” and concluded with satisfaction that

“Every single curly-q, every single loop, it was all worth it.”

(An aside: The AP, it appears, doesn’t know the spelling of the word curlicue, preferring to render it as a commercial paint cleaner.)


As pointless exercises go, Patterson’s Bible-copying is up there with Most Live Rattlesnakes Held in Mouth and Walking Across the U.S.A. Backwards — but a little worse. The rattlesnake-defying daredevil is at least a bona fide crowd pleaser, and Backwards-Walking Guy is a fitness advocate who raised money for the Youth Development Foundation.

What’s Patterson’s excuse?

Maybe, for ten seconds here and there, he entertained some people in a you-don’t-say kind of way when they learned about his Bible project. Is that good enough to justify blowing spending four years of your life on?

But honestly, for me, it goes beyond that. If Patterson had copied the AMA’s Complete Medical Encyclopedia, or the entire Harry Potter series, that would have made him a shrugworthy eccentric. But to hand-copy the Bible, the book that is supposed to inspire Christians to go out and do good, seems to miss the point of the Biblical message that Mr. Patterson says he’s so attached to.

If you had four whole years to spend, and you wanted to honor Christ, what would you do? Might helping out in a soup kitchen be objectively better than scribbling all 921,820 words from the Bible in longhand?

Other suggestions: You could donate your time to working in a public library, or organize a few clothing drives, or write letters to try and free political prisoners, or volunteer to drive elderly patients to hospital checkups, or set up a bi-monthly neighborhood swap meet, or start a fundraiser for any charitable goal that impassions you. You could sow neighborly kindness, build a community, and help the disadvantaged.

Hand-copying a holy book proves nothing, sacrifices nothing, and signifies nothing — other than, perhaps, a failure of imagination.

[image via the Wall Street Journal

High Priest

Yay, spiritual rehabilitation!

A Western Cape (South Africa) pastor has been arrested for allegedly trying to smuggle drugs at the Buffeljags correctional services centre in Swellendam, the department of correctional services said on Sunday.


Department spokesman Simphiwe Xako said the guards discovered dagga, Mandrax tablets and six sachets containing tik on Saturday night.

The pastor was one of the clergymen granted access to prisons in the Swellendam area, as part of a spiritual rehabilitation program.

[image source]