Who Would Jesus Eat?

The trial against Gilberto Valle kicked off yesterday. Valle is the New York City cop who was arrested last fall on charges that he used NYPD databases to compile a list of about a hundred women he allegedly wanted to torture, cook, and eat. The would-be cannibal was turned on in by his wife, Kathleen Mangan-Valle, who had discovered through chat logs on her husband’s computer that he apparently intended to murder and eat her too.

Gilberto Valle maintains that he was only fantasizing about these things, and had no intention of committing any actual crimes.

Valles

About one target, he wrote

I was thinking of tying her body onto some kind of apparatus … cook her over a low heat, keep her alive as long as possible.

The Valles are practicing Catholics. Gilberto wed Kathleen only three summers ago in St. Aloysius Church in Spokane, Washington, where he swore he’d love and support her until death do the doting duo apart. (Presumably, his vows to the Almighty didn’t include anything about gutting his wife and eating her flesh.)

The couple has a child, whose image was presented in court during the wife’s testimony.

[J]urors were shown a photo of [Valle] in his NYPD uniform, beaming as he held to his chest his cherubic baby girl, who was wearing a fuzzy pink hooded jumper with bear ears. Asked to describe the image, Mangan-Valle responded, “It’s before church, before a Holy Name Society breakfast,” then sobbed uncontrollably.

The Holy Name Society “promotes reverence for the Sacred Names of God and Jesus Christ … and the personal sanctification and holiness of its members.”

Even if he’s found not guilty, the personal holiness of Gilberto Valle is, let’s say, still a few muffins short of a full breakfast.

Valle is sometimes mentioned in the same breath as a man with a similar penchant for fetishistic torture-and-cannibalism fantasies: Tampa-area puppeteer Robert Brown. Brown was arrested last July on charges of planning to kidnap, rape, murder, and eat a child. Like Valle, he’s a loyal churchgoer. He takes his religious holidays seriously, remarking about his intended victim, a young boy he knew from church:

…his thighs and butt cheeks would be fantastic for easter.

(Insert obligatory joke about fava beans and a nice chianti.)

Valle, too, felt that a church holiday calls for something extra-festive:

I’m planning on getting some girl meat… this November… for Thanksgiving.

It’s noteworthy that the Eucharist ritual of swallowing the body of Christ, in the words of this devout Catholic publication, means that

…the Holy Communion does involve eating human flesh and blood.

Their words, not mine. Maybe the forbidden apple doesn’t fall that far from the tree.

[image via MailOnline]

Cardinal Sin

Another week, another Catholic sex scandal. This one involves Cardinal Keith O’Brien, the most senior Catholic clergyman in Britain.

O’Brien, who is due to retire next month, has been an outspoken opponent of gay rights, condemning homosexuality as immoral, opposing gay adoption, and most recently arguing that same-sex marriages would be “harmful to the physical, mental and spiritual well-being of those involved”.

So you know what comes next, right? Sure you do. Cardinal O’Brien turns out to be a closet queen who has been secretly trying to sample the forbidden fruits under the frocks of his fellow clergymen — over whom he has near-total ecclesiastical authority.

Cardinal Keith O'Brien -1730693

So far, four priests have filed written complaints with the Vatican, alleging that they were sexually accosted by their spiritual leader. They did so before Pope Benedict announced his resignation, so this doesn’t appear to be an attempt to weaken the cardinal’s position in the notoriously intrigue-riddled 117-member conclave that is set to elect a new pope. The UK Observer has more.

UPDATE: Apologizing for “failures” during his ministry, the cardinal has resigned.

[image via Daily Record]

Fever Pitch: Soccer-Field Feud Leads to Murder

Around the world, riots and sectarian violence frequently break out over whose God is truer. If that fails, you could also hack and shoot at each other over something even more vital — like which religious tribe has first dibs on the local soccer field.

soccer

Christians in central Nigeria could mourn their dead Sunday, February 24, after  the massacre of a Christian family while sectarian clashes killed one person and left churches, homes and mosques burnt, officials said. … Suspected Muslim attackers used machetes and guns to murder 10 members of the same Christian family in Plateau state, with half the victims under the age of six, the military and government confirmed. “A family of 10 were … murdered” by Muslim Fulani herdsmen, said Pam Ayuba, the governor’s spokesman, in published remarks. “Five little children including a two-month-old child were slaughtered.”

The violence in the central town of Wukari began when Muslim and religious Christian football teams argued over who had the right to a football pitch.

[image via Zazzle]

When Ministers Worship (Teens and Preteens)

Alas: A lifetime of Bible readin’ wasn’t enough to dissuade these Reverends from attempting to bless various children with their saintly cocks. The stories are from just the last couple of days.

Everett, WA:

A Baptist minister from Everett was charged Thursday with commercial sexual abuse of a minor for allegedly arranging to meet a 16-year-old girl he was going to have sex with for a fee. John K. Lawlor, 54, one of the pastors at Everett’s First Baptist Church was charged in King County Superior Court with the crime after police said he made arrangements to meet with what he thought was a teenage girl and then drove to Seattle with $200 as payment along with condoms.

crisy

Seattle, WA:

A minister and former foster parent who sexually abused at least 10 young boys was sentenced Friday to 22 years in prison. Timothy L. Dampier, 39, pleaded guilty to a total of 22 counts involving ten victims between the ages of nine and 17 years old, according to prosecutors. Dampier had been involved in a number of Seattle-area youth programs at the Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church, New Hope Baptist Church, Ruth Dykeman Children’s Center, Ruther Child Center, Samuel House, Union Gospel Mission and Seattle Parks and Recreation. He also works as a minister at several Seattle churches, detectives said. … He also pleaded guilty to first, second, and third degree child molestation, sexual exploitation of a minor, possession of child pornography, and communication with a minor for immoral purposes.

La Grange, IL:

A La Grange minister has been charged with sexually assaulting a minor under the age of 13 earlier this month. Judge Edward Harmening ordered Donald Jung, 59, held in lieu of $750,000 bond; he was charged with predatory criminal sexual assault of a child. … Jung drove to Milwaukee to pick up three females and drove them back to his home in La Grange, prosecutors alleged. On the first night of their stay, a nine-year-old awoke when the defendant sexually assaulted her, said Assistant State’s Attorney Amari Dawson. The girl attempted to reach her mother by phone after the incident but was unsuccessful, said Dawson. The next night Jung repeated his actions, said Dawson. Jung dropped the females at their home. Afterwards the victim told her mother what happened. Dawson said Jung did not admit to the sexual assault but did tell police he raped the girl’s mother 22 years ago when she was 10 years old.

Meth Priest

Need crystal meth? Dildos? Leather masks? Porn mags? Call 1-800-PRIESTS.

But seriously: Even by the perennially messed-up standards of the Roman Catholic church, Monsignor Kevin Wallin is, as they say, a piece of work. The New York Times explains:

One church worker told diocesan officials that parades of men were visiting Monsignor Wallin at the rectory at all hours. The diocese looked into it, and, as [church spokesman] Mr. Wallace said, “We heard enough to believe that he was engaged in sexual activity in the rectory.” Other church workers said he was also involved in cross-dressing, as were some of his visitors.

When his colleagues decided to look a little closer, they

…found a bag stowed in the rectory containing adult pornographic videos, sexual toys and leather masks.

Then things got weird. Like, all druggy and stuff.

[Wallin] was living in a snug apartment in a matter-of-fact two-story building in Waterbury, in a humble neighborhood of shoebox-shaped apartments. He was also renting the unit across the hall from him, where authorities said a confederate lived. This was his new demarcated principality, where law enforcement officials said he sold crystal meth. At least once, they said, he hid drugs in a magazine and made the exchange in a parking lot. An informant told agents that the priest was also an addict.

So Wallin at least wasn’t addicted to prepubescent cock, for a change. Good. I like a man who doesn’t bow to peer pressure.

SexDrugsandJesusChrist

New York drug enforcement agents got on to him from a New York drug distributor who said he met the priest at a party in early 2012 and began buying from him. The man became an informer. New York agents tipped off Connecticut agents, who enlisted help from the State Police. An undercover officer, according to authorities, made six drug purchases from Monsignor Wallin. …

Neighbors said men streamed into Monsignor Wallin’s apartment, many of them arriving in cars like BMWs and Corvettes. Sounds of sex could be heard. He stored cases of good wine in the basement, as well as glass pipes and bottles of butane. He was seen doing his laundry, which included lace panties and other articles of women’s clothing. Officials said Mr. Wallin was buying an adult toy store in North Haven called Land of Oz and Dorothy’s Place. Authorities suspect that he wanted to use it to launder drug money.

Through it all, the Bible kept exerting a certain, um, influence on Mr. Wallin.

Presumably to make the purchase, he incorporated a business called Rahab and Endor. Rahab was a woman mentioned in the Book of Joshua usually described as a prostitute. Endor may refer to the Witch of Endor, a sorceress identified in the Bible.

Wicked!

“You looked at him like he was God, practically,” said Charlie Hall, a Danbury parishioner who lives in a shelter. “But now you realize, he’s just human, like all the rest of us.”

Aye. I would hope that that’s his flock’s takeaway. Teaching them to see the man behind the curtain may be the best thing the Monsignor has ever done.

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Note 1: Kevin Wallin is innocent until proven guilty.
Note 2: The drug war is stupid.
Note 3: I don’t personally care whether priests make the beast with two backs, or with whom, and how, as long as their partners are consenting adults.
But if the allegations prove true, did Mr. Wallin break his priestly vows, and violate all Jesus-y decency he told his colleagues and parishioners he stood for? Yessum, that he did.